The Middle

I fucking love being 43 years-old.

In a meeting recently, we were all talking about our ages and the sighs, grimaces, and far-off looks kicked in. I said, “I FUCKING LOVE BEING MIDDLE AGED. I EARNED THIS STAGE OF MY LIFE. I EARNED EVERY GRAY HAIR.”

What I’m enjoying about Gen Z and Gen Alpha is how they’re in play about their youth. Some things drive me to hyperventilate until I say my mantra: “They don’t know that … yet. They don’t have that programming … yet. They don’t have that experience … yet.” And then I remember to pull up alongside them and sit in whatever they’re sitting in and ask them questions rather than come right at them in a place of judgment.

The wisdom of middle age.

When I was in college, I would be puzzled by one professor’s obsession with our class. She would often say with reverence, “Your generation is projected most likely to live to an average of 120 years-old!” At the time I remember wondering how horrible that would be. In my middle age, my greed for more time takes over and now I want to live to 140 years-old. I want to outlive all my enemies.

But I digress, I love being middle age. It is a time of crisis for most and I lived through mine after I committed to writing and creating and stopped trying to be a priest in the church of my colonizers.

When I was a young political organizer, part of my story was that life expectancy on my reservation and throughout Lakota Country was 47 years-old for men and 55 years-old for women (“the lowest in the western hemisphere outside of Haiti!” I’d add). The data has, thankfully, indicated that number is on the rise. I would drag out this statistic every time I wanted to make a point about healthcare and why electing Obama was necessary for us all to live longer lives (and maybe it was and maybe they have).

I dress for comfort almost exclusively in my middle age. I dress up when I need to make a good show but the moment I’m home, I get into my INSIDE PANTS that are loose and stretchy and don’t think twice about fashion. The last new article of clothing I bought was in 2023.

I share old person memes on my Facebook.

I Facebook.

I am middle aged.

But my favorite thing is that I have a playlist titled “Fortysomething” that includes music both by people who were in their forties when they recorded it, the music that the fortysomethings I grew up with listened to, and musicians who are in their forties (like me) now. It is a celebration of chill, reflection, and (almost) no drama.

What I’m most grateful for in my middle age is being sober and being able to be a stable place for my family. While I never married nor had kids of my own, I get to be the relative, the papa, who can be relied on in times of transition. I’m grateful that my misspent twenties taught me how to feel, that my thirties taught me how to stay calm, and that my forties are teaching me how to live with joy.

For all of this, I’m grateful.